Saturday, April 25, 2009

Oh Phoebe, you said a mouthful (see comments from last post if you're wondering what I'm talking about). That's the epiphany I've had in the last 2 days. I thought I was really getting back to myself since I've been pg. I've started feeling so normal, but when this happened I realized that the IF woman in me isn't going anywhere. It is now a part of who I am. I will never react normally to things that fertile people take for granted.

I've been obsessing again for the last few days about whether or not things are ok. I'm so scared to tell people. I think we're going to wait until 16 wks now. I need another good OB appt before I can tell.

I went into a baby store today and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I shouldn't have been there or like I was an imposter. I looked around and I was seriously nervous that a sales associate would approach me. I left pretty quickly feeling kind of that feeling like when you go into a store where there is nothing that you can afford and you feel like you shouldn't be there. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a move towards preparations for baby and then the baby is going to get yanked from me. I'm still so afraid of jinxing it. Oh, yes...I still have the heart and mind of an IF woman and it's pretty warped and broken.

I'll be 12 wks tomorrow. I should be so excited to be reaching the end of my first trimester. Instead, I'm paranoid that something is wrong. RRRGH! I think I'll start feeling ok at about week 45! When my baby's safely in my arms... Even my OB told me that he's not going to relax about this pregnancy until he catches the baby in his hands. That really helped me relax! Sheesh!!!

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