Friday, April 24, 2009

From a dark and ugly place

So I've been happily skipping along in the glow of pregnancy. Well, today I got clotheslined! My husband called to give me a heads up that his little sister is pg. She's making her big announcement 8 weeks. We're just about to be 12 wks and I've been thinking all week that I want to wait until 16 wks. Anyhoo, she has been married all of TEN MONTHS!!! I am just so fucking pissed off. I'm just going to admit right now that I am not one of those people who "wouldn't wish this on anyone." Seriously, I want everyone to have trouble getting pg and when they don't, it makes me mad as hell. Add to that that this overnight pregnancy in particular is going to suck the life right out of my announcement and I am just a crying, sobbing, puddle of emotion.

I don't want to hear how everybody will still be excited or how great it will be to have a cousin so close. One friend even said that it would be fun to be pg with my SIL. HA! I think that's just bullshit! I've been to hell and back and I want to be pg by myself. I want to make my announcement without being in the shadow of anyone. And I want to have the only newborn in the family. I am selfish and unreasonable. That's how I feel and I don't care.

To make matter worse, on the other side of the family, my nephew's wife is due to deliver 4 months before me. Shit! I'm getting it from every side. This happens to be the nephew that took my girl name (MY grandmother's name) for his first child apparently without a care as to how it would make me feel b/c my sister plainly told him that I was planning to use it and that he should reconsider.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! I just want to be able to have something go easily for me in the department of having a baby. And I'm sick and tired of it going so easily for everybody else. I don't even think anybody that gets it easily even appreciates it the way they really should.

I'm also sick of having to suck up my broken heart so that I don't hurt anybody else. My husband doesn't understand how I feel at all. I'm actually pretty sick of him at the moment, too. I practically hung up on him tonight. I'm so glad that he's doing a boy's weekend and I don't have to have him here sitting in judgment of me all weekend. With the name issue, he was a complete ass and showed no understanding. He actually said to me that I was NOT ALLOWED to be mad about it. WTF? Who in their right mind thinks they can tell someone what it is and is not okay to feel. You feel what you feel.

And if all of that is not bad enough, Sunday is the due date for the pg that I lost. I knew it was coming up, but I was really trying not to give it much thought. Then tonight I was checking my Palm and got a reminder "April 26, 40 weeks, Due Date." Oh, it was a knife through the heart. It was just so unexpected. I took it out of my Outlook calendar on my laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't synced the two so it was still in my mobile. Could that have happened on a worse day? The bawling just started all over again.

I'm going to go and try to sleep off some of this anger, disappointment, and grief now. Perhaps next time I'll be in a frame of mind to write something that is actually fit for human consumption.


  1. I can honestly say the only baby announcement I actually felt ok about was my friend who has had 2 miscarriages. Other than that, I'm like, get out of my face. I have felt exactly the same way. Seriously. I had a monster melt down when my sister got pregnant (because the condom broke). I can be soooo maddening.

  2. I actually meant to say 'It can be sooo maddening' but what I actually put is probably more accurate.

  3. Thanks Lisa, I'm so glad that I'm not the only one. I woke up this morning feeling better and wondering if I should take this post down. I won't. The whole reason I made this blog anonymous is so that I would have a place to put the worst of me. I think I hit it on this post!

  4. The grief comes in waves and it's definitely harder for us women than for our male partners. They just don't get it. We're here for you. I think the pain of IF doesn't go away when you get pregnant yourself. Hugs.

  5. I just wanted to say that I TOTALLY get howou are feeling about all that. Given what we all have to go through to get what we want, we ought to get MORE than just a shared moment in the spotlight.