It's a new day!

I actually did something really good for myself and with perfect timing. A few weeks ago I signed myself up for a photography class. I thought it would be a good distraction during the pgy and by the time the baby arrives I'll be able to take much better pics. What a good idea! I'm so thankful that it's a good class; amazing instructor. It's given me something to take my mind off the worry and other obssessions and something to look forward to in the short-term. I can't wait for Tues so that I can go to the next class.

The ups and downs of being an IF

So yesterday was the due date for the pregnancy that I lost in the fall. Now today I begin week 12 of my current pregnancy. How's that for timing? No need to tell you that being pg made yesterday much easier, but I did spend some time crying for my little guy that I lost. It's a mystery as to why the pg failed. The karyotype showed no chromosomal issues.

So......moving on. I need to focus on the baby that I'm nurturing right now. I've been so worried about so many things. I was losing some weight for about 3 weeks running. I never got to a negative net gain from pre-pregnancy, but it was starting to make me go hmmm. Oh well, apparently I took care of that. When I got on the scale this morning, I was UP. A little more up than I was looking for. I don't know where it came from either. I definitely was worried for the last several days that I wasn't getting enough food in me.

I woke up yesterday really anxious about whether or not everything is okay. I'm dying to get to the point that I can feel the baby move so that I will have a daily measure of how it's doing. I don't go back to the dr for another 2 1/2 wks. Man is that ever going to be a long wait. There are just a whole series of 2ww's aren't there!

Oh Phoebe, you said a mouthful (see comments from last post if you're wondering what I'm talking about). That's the epiphany I've had in the last 2 days. I thought I was really getting back to myself since I've been pg. I've started feeling so normal, but when this happened I realized that the IF woman in me isn't going anywhere. It is now a part of who I am. I will never react normally to things that fertile people take for granted.

I've been obsessing again for the last few days about whether or not things are ok. I'm so scared to tell people. I think we're going to wait until 16 wks now. I need another good OB appt before I can tell.

I went into a baby store today and I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I shouldn't have been there or like I was an imposter. I looked around and I was seriously nervous that a sales associate would approach me. I left pretty quickly feeling kind of that feeling like when you go into a store where there is nothing that you can afford and you feel like you shouldn't be there. I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a move towards preparations for baby and then the baby is going to get yanked from me. I'm still so afraid of jinxing it. Oh, yes...I still have the heart and mind of an IF woman and it's pretty warped and broken.

I'll be 12 wks tomorrow. I should be so excited to be reaching the end of my first trimester. Instead, I'm paranoid that something is wrong. RRRGH! I think I'll start feeling ok at about week 45! When my baby's safely in my arms... Even my OB told me that he's not going to relax about this pregnancy until he catches the baby in his hands. That really helped me relax! Sheesh!!!

From a dark and ugly place

So I've been happily skipping along in the glow of pregnancy. Well, today I got clotheslined! My husband called to give me a heads up that his little sister is pg. She's making her big announcement today....at 8 weeks. We're just about to be 12 wks and I've been thinking all week that I want to wait until 16 wks. Anyhoo, she has been married all of TEN MONTHS!!! I am just so fucking pissed off. I'm just going to admit right now that I am not one of those people who "wouldn't wish this on anyone." Seriously, I want everyone to have trouble getting pg and when they don't, it makes me mad as hell. Add to that that this overnight pregnancy in particular is going to suck the life right out of my announcement and I am just a crying, sobbing, puddle of emotion.

I don't want to hear how everybody will still be excited or how great it will be to have a cousin so close. One friend even said that it would be fun to be pg with my SIL. HA! I think that's just bullshit! I've been to hell and back and I want to be pg by myself. I want to make my announcement without being in the shadow of anyone. And I want to have the only newborn in the family. I am selfish and unreasonable. That's how I feel and I don't care.

To make matter worse, on the other side of the family, my nephew's wife is due to deliver 4 months before me. Shit! I'm getting it from every side. This happens to be the nephew that took my girl name (MY grandmother's name) for his first child apparently without a care as to how it would make me feel b/c my sister plainly told him that I was planning to use it and that he should reconsider.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! I just want to be able to have something go easily for me in the department of having a baby. And I'm sick and tired of it going so easily for everybody else. I don't even think anybody that gets it easily even appreciates it the way they really should.

I'm also sick of having to suck up my broken heart so that I don't hurt anybody else. My husband doesn't understand how I feel at all. I'm actually pretty sick of him at the moment, too. I practically hung up on him tonight. I'm so glad that he's doing a boy's weekend and I don't have to have him here sitting in judgment of me all weekend. With the name issue, he was a complete ass and showed no understanding. He actually said to me that I was NOT ALLOWED to be mad about it. WTF? Who in their right mind thinks they can tell someone what it is and is not okay to feel. You feel what you feel.

And if all of that is not bad enough, Sunday is the due date for the pg that I lost. I knew it was coming up, but I was really trying not to give it much thought. Then tonight I was checking my Palm and got a reminder "April 26, 40 weeks, Due Date." Oh, it was a knife through the heart. It was just so unexpected. I took it out of my Outlook calendar on my laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't synced the two so it was still in my mobile. Could that have happened on a worse day? The bawling just started all over again.

I'm going to go and try to sleep off some of this anger, disappointment, and grief now. Perhaps next time I'll be in a frame of mind to write something that is actually fit for human consumption.

What an amazing experience!

My u/s was incredible. The tech switched over to 3D and it was just the most incredible thing I've ever seen. In 2D she said that she thought she saw a penis, but in 3D even I could see it. It was especially funny b/c just that morning my SIL had asked me when we could tell the sex and I said well the external sex organs are forming this week, but you'd have to put a camera in the uterus to be able to tell. Well...maybe not!




10 weeks
2 days









See what I mean. He lifted his little leg just to show it off! Just like my husband.

I'm just beside myself with excitement. I hardly slept at all the night of the u/s. I'm just so thrilled with how good he looked and how active he was. There was one point on the 2D where I could even count five fingers on his left hand. I'm really in love with technology right now!!!


BTW - Lisa, please don't feel bad for laughing at my post telling about my fit. That was the point. I really get how funny it was. It was made even funnier by the fact that my DH wasn't phased by it. When I went upstairs to read, he fell asleep on the couch. The next day he teased me a little about it. But all-in-all, he incredibly reacted as if it were perfectly normal behavior.

April 14 and all is well

So things seem to be going really well. I expect good news at tomorrow's u/s. My belly is growing a bit and I'm soooo exhausted. I got miserably sick on Easter morning. Thankfully, I was okay in time for lunch with the family. I felt so bad that we didn't go to church. It's a good thing, too. I puked and puked and puked at exactly 11:30. That would have been so ugly if I'd been sitting at church. It's a loooonnng way from the sanctuary to the restroom!

I'd like to just sleep through the next 2 wks. I may just darn near do that. Oh, I'm so glad that I don't work for someone else. How do people do it? If I had to keep a regular schedule right now I'd wind up laying on the floor of my office pitching a fit. I find it impossible to resist the sleep that I need. I'm just too miserable to live if I deny the sleep.

I've bought a few pieces of maternity clothing. I'm going to try to wait 2 more wks to wear them, but I may not make it. The pieces are really cute so I'm actually looking forward to it. Also, I'm ready to look pg instead of just dumpy and fat. Pg is cute....the big, frumpy look that I've got going right now is not cute at all.

So send good thoughts for my little kumquat for our u/s tomorrow. I can't wait to see it with the defined arms and legs looking more like a human than a tadpole. I'll be 10 wks 2 days tomorrow. Whoohooo!!!

Goodbye Sunshine

It's a sad day here. We had my 19 yo cat put down. She was such a good, good girl, but she was old and tired. Her little body was just giving out on her.

Above is a picture of her from better days.

All is well otherwise...more later.

Hmmm, perhaps the hormonal crazies have begun

Soooo, I had an all out bitch-crazy fit tonight.

We live in a house that is 103 years old. My stove in my pathetic kitchen is from sometime in the '80's. We keep putting off a big renovation project that will modernize kitchen, baths, etc. The kitchen is nowhere near to being a cook's kitchen; sadly, I am a cook. So tonight I decided to make up a little homemade mac & cheese. I put the butter in the pan and then the flour. I can't get the damn flour mixed in with the butter because all of the @#$%ing butter is on one side of the pan because the stove eye is not, can not, will never be level. I HATE THIS STOVE! Which is what I started screaming, yes really screaming, as I beat (see woman raising frying pan with 2 hands and beating it on stove repeatedly) the pan on the stove sending butter and flour flying around my kitchen. For a good visual, probably the best I can recommend is Shirley MaClaine in Terms of Endearment having the fit in the hospital. Insert my stove in the place of the nurse's desk and put a skillet in her hand.

In the spirit of mature women who can overcome anything, I turned off the stove, stormed upstairs and got in bed with a book. After reading for about 45 minutes, I calmed down enough to order a pizza.

Looking forward to the next 7 months!

Always something to worry about :-(

So I've been spotting for 3 days. It's all been brown and my OB's office says not to worry about it b/c I'm not having any cramping. HA! Fat chance! If it's still going on tomorrow and my OB's office still brushes me off, I think I'm going to try to go back to my RE's office. I really need some peace of mind on this. I know spotting in the first trimester can be perfectly normal, but come on. After all I've been through, I'm supposed to not worry!

I'm trying really hard to take it easy. That can be hard to do. Somehow my house is staying in a constant state of disarray and it's driving me crazy. I try to do just a little bit and then rest for a while. I've hardly gone into the office this week at all so that's good, but I need to hire somebody to get this laundry under control.

I may be wearing my jeans for the last time today. They're a wee bit snug. I bought a pair of maternity pants yesterday and 2 pair of yoga pants. Yoga pants are my best friend right now. Oh, I also bought a huge bra! I got a belly band, too, but I really don't think I can run around town with my pants undone.

For the first time in my life, I absolutely don't care about my pouchy stomach. Yea for me! However, I don't want it to accidentally fall out in the middle of Target either.