Sunday, January 4, 2009


Ugh! I've got too much crap rolling around in my head. How long will it take to purge some of the frustration and clutter to get to the girl I know is in there. I used to be clever and funny. That was before I met my new friend Lupron. Oh, what a good, good friend indeed. HA! Lupron is a traitor to my body. Thank goodness I get to cycle without it this time. It was too easy. My old RE always said that you couldn't do IVF without Lupron. My new one....I just mentioned what a horrifically difficult time I had on the drug and he says, "Okay, we'll just suppress BCP's!" It was so easy. I really credit Lupron with the failure of FET#1. I was such a complete mess. No living being was going to be attaching itself to that crazy woman's uterus.

I've been a lump on a log today. I had 3 glasses of wine last night and it gave me a bit of a hangover. Sad really, isn't it? When you go 3 years without alcohol, that's what happens. It actually doesn't even take 3 glasses. I get a headache after only 2 glasses of wine these days. The quest for baby had changed me in so many ways that I'll probably be realizing new ones for the next 30 years. So today I hung out on the couch with my cats. Not a bad way to spend a day.

I woke up at 4 am with the anxiety of a new cycle bouncing around in my head. I want to do it. I'm scared to do it. I'm scared not to do it. Hell, it appears that I'm just scared. Every time we get close I start getting really afraid of actually having a baby. Even while I was pregnant, I was terrified of the actuality of it. I suppose every pg woman is. You'd think that weeks of poking yourself with needles and loading your body full on hormones would prepare you. I mean really, you're doing all of this to get pg! Then you are and OH SHIT! It's the happiest, most wonderful, most terrifying thing that can ever happen to a human. Oh, my goodness! That phone call when I found out that I was pg. That's what I need to be thinking about now; while I'm nervous about cycling. The pure unadulterated happiness that I felt for the 4 weeks that I knew that my body was growing a sweet, precious baby. Oh, it ended too, too soon, but it was the sweetest time of my life. I wouldn't give up that experience for anything. Even though I miscarried, it made all of the pain and suffering worth it. And it shall be worth it again.

Ladies and gentlemen: I am going to do another fresh IVF cycle. And I will not fear (okay, I will, but I won't let it slow me down). Aunt Flow, please come for a visit so that I may get this show on the road!

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