Saturday, January 3, 2009

Here I go....

If I don't get some of this pent up angst out, I'm going to blow. Hello blog world.

It's a new year and I should be hopeful, but I'm not. Not really. I'm trying to be. After 3 failed IVF attempts, our 4th led to a pregnancy in August '08. Sadly, it ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was devastated, but now it seems so incredibly distant. Almost like it happened so someone else. Now we're off to cycle again at Cornell. The doctor is hopeful, my husband is hopeful, everyone is expecting a positive outcome. Why can't I?

I think I'm numb to all things related to my fertility, or lack thereof, just now. What is going on? When I found out at Christmas that my nephew's wife is pg with their 2nd child, I was only mildly upset about it. What happened to the days of distress and gnashing of teeth that used to go along with a pg announcement. I had become so accustomed to being that woman that I feel disoriented now. I was comfortable in my bitter infertile woman role. Being infertile and non-violent feels very foreign and uncomfortable.

So here we go....I have to find out who I am....again.

A note about the blog title, Wombded. After a particulary dreadful hysteroscopy and D&C last spring, I was inconsolable. The news about my uterus was all bad and the RE gave us very little hope of future success. I was in a great amount of pain. My womb was wounded. As I was being wheeled to the car in my foggy state of recovery, the only thing that kept running through my mind was "I'm wombded." The pain was unbearable, the description incredibly apropo.

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