Wednesday, January 21, 2009


How can you simultaneously want something so much and be so terribly afraid to do what you have to do to get that thing that you want so much?

In this case, of course, "that thing" is a baby. What I have to do to get it is submit my body to the freakish science of IVF again. Logically, I know that this cycle will be easier on my body. Emotionally, I'm scared shitless. The fresh cycles with the OHSS were so hard on my body. The first FET the Lupron made me a crazy, psycho-bitch-shell of myself.

Deep breath. I'm suppressing with BCP's there will be no Lupron. My stimulation drugs will be a fraction of what they were before. Even so, I've been fighting depression for the last week. Is it the impending cycle or is it the BCP's? I don't know if BCP's have ever caused me to be depressed. I was blissfully clueless about what was going on with my body when I was on BCP's in the past. Isn't it a joke that we ever did anything to keep from getting pg? Anyhoo, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm trying to talk myself through this. There's a part of me that wants to yell uncle, but what will that get me. Years of what could have been.

Hmm, I didn't even touch on the fear of another loss. I'm going to go try to work and take my mind off of all of this for a little while. Fat chance!


  1. the other thing that is also scary is: i could have a kid? am i good enough to be a parent? can i handle it? will the world survive? what about global warming? what am i *doing*???

    maybe it's just the hormones?

    who knows!! i totally feel you!

  2. I totally understand. Going through all of that is physically and emotionally exhausting! I waffle between giving myself some time to recover and wanting to have a baby right now. I'm surprised my brain hasn't exploded yet. It sure gets a friggin' workout I'll tell you that much.

    Thanks for commenting on my blof by the way! :)

  3. ~hugs~
    Not easy this TTC stuff. Hope it won't be so terrible and that you'll end with a baby in your arms.
    (here from L&F)