Monday, January 5, 2009


As of today, I'm officially back to yoga. I haven't gone regularly in such a long time. I think about a year. I tried a new studio and it went really well. I had a strange and really moving experience. The yogi said that she likes to have theme for each class and that today's theme was joy. She asked us to think back to a time when we felt pure joy and to remember it; what we heard, saw, smelled, the feelings. Of course, the first thing that came to mind for me was finding out that I was pg. I can't think of a moment in my life that was more joyful than that. Sadly, it's just not really possible to only think about finding out that I was pg....that moved right on to thinking about losing the pg. I started crying right there in yoga. I didn't lose it full-on like I wanted to, but I just had a beautiful moment right there in that place. I took stock of the joy and the sadness. It's what I had intended to do on New Year's Eve, but I just never really felt it on New Year's.

The other thing that I want to say about joy is how I lost it for so long and I'm glad that it's back. For so much of the time that I've been dealing with IF, I was completely unable to experience joy in anything. It was just utterly absent from my life. The pg changed that. The amazing thing is that even with the m/c, the capacity for joy did not leave me. I think it's because as horrible as that loss was, for me, it was not as bad as all those stupid, hiddeous negatives. After having been pg, I suddenly was able to find hope where there had been none. Apparently, hope is the precurser to joy.

Joy. I intend to have a great deal more of it in this lifetime.

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