Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Bright Side

I just found this draft from 8/25/11.  I thought I would go ahead and post it.  I miss this blog sometimes.  If anyone is still checking in from time-to-time, drop me a note. Perhaps I can be persuaded to pop in now and again. 

Well here I sit on the other side. A woman with no frozen embryos in a cryopreservation tank in an IVF clinic 65 miles away. It's strange. I'd become so accustomed to that draw of my babies. I went about my life as best I could. I went on to have another fresh cycle that resulted in one beautiful and amazing baby. However, through it all was a part of my brain that was always homing in on those babies. I wish I could make you understand how I literally felt that a section of my brain was like a compass. It was always pointing in the direction of my babes. It struggled to reach, reach, reach out to them.
They are no more. I was so painfully sad for a time. Alas, I have come to the other side of my grief as well. I am rejoicing in my one perfect child. I am more amazed than ever that she is here. The miracle that she is absolutely takes my breath away. We have lost so many tiny embryos. In addition to the TWENTY-FIVE other than peanut that were put in my womb via ART, there have been many others that tried and failed before six weeks. It's been a long, painful, sad journey. It is over.
Here I sit on the other side of my ART journey. I was lucky. My story had many heart-rending moments, but it ended well. I have my Peanut.
I no longer feel the pull of my frozen embryos. There is a relief in that. I am beginning to realize just what a state of limbo I was in as long as they existed. Now that I have given them the chance that I promised them, I have been released. I am much more productive. One of my weaknesses is that as I wait for things to happen I become paralyzed. I did that to a degree while I waited to see if we would have more children. Now that the option for more children has been taken away, I find myself moving on and getting things done in a way that I haven't done in years. It's true that infertility puts your life on hold. For someone like me, it even continues once success has come along. I had to move through the entire process and complete my journey in order to move forward.
I am done. I am at peace. I am moving on. I am going to get busy!

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