Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Aaaaand then she wasn't pregnant

Oh girls, I know! What a shocker! No surprise ending though. I went back to my RE on the 19th and the hCG had dropped to 15. I didn't really get upset over this miscarriage and I never did cry. What did upset me was the resurgence of all of those feelings from 4 to 5 years ago. It was that first year and a half of trying all over again. All those times that I thought that I was pregnant and later tried to convince myself that I wasn't. Now I know. I definitely had 3 five week miscarriages during that time. I may have had as many as 7. I spent a couple of days beating myself up over the memory of my first meeting with my IVF nurse back in '07. When she asked me how many pregnancies I'd had, I said zero. I was so unsure of myself back then and none of them had been confirmed by a dr. I would take the tests early and get a faint positive; then 2 to 4 days later I would start bleeding and convince myself that I'd just wanted to see the second line so much that I'd imagined it. Argh! If I had told her, we probably could have avoided IVF altogether and just done medicated natural cycles. Maybe not. Who knows?

What I do know is that my journey was perfect as it was because it resulted in bringing me my perfect little Peanut. So there's no use in second guessing.

The bright side is that it let me know how much I want another pregnancy and another baby. I really was dreading cycling again. As you know, we have 6 frozen embryos and plan for another FET. We were actually trying to get ourselves prepared for it when this happened. I wasn't sure at all if I could handle a second baby. Now I know that I'll do what it takes. We're planning the FET for June. I'm going to call C*rnell to consult with my dr there prior to my consult with my local RE. We wanted to transfer the embryos, but we've learned that NY State doesn't allow that.

So there's a quick update. Things are good. I am happy.


  1. Well, you are wise to take it in stride, mostly since there's not much else to be done anyway. And since your feelings are clarified, at least there is a silver lining, which in this case there almost never is no matter how frantically it is looked for. So, phew.

    I wish you all the best with your planned-for, meant-to-be cycle!

  2. I too am sure I've had more than a few miscarriages that were never confirmed. God damn is it frustrating though. You sound like you're in a good place going into the FET. I'm rootin' for you 1000%!!!