Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Here we go again. Once an IF, always an IF.

I found out today that my SIL is having a girl. If you're new to the blog, she's due just 3 weeks after me and she got pg the first month that she went off birth control after just 10 months of marriage. ACK!

So here I am raw, ugly, and with all of the fresh anger of an infertile. I feel as if someone has pulled the band-aid off of a sore the size of my entire being. My soul is shrinking into a ball and trying to hide and my actual physical self is sitting in a dark room and literally hiding from the world. I'm not answering the phone and flinch every time it rings. My MIL has already called. I cringe to think what celebratory conversation she wants to have with me. I have horrified visions of her going out and buying matching outfits for our babies.

I lick my ever present wounds of the infertile and hope that the grace to celebrate her baby comes sooner rather than later. All the while, what I fantasize about is running away with my family. Far, far away so that I can avoid this baby that to me is an infringement on the joy of my own painfully won pregnancy.

1 comment:

  1. The fact that you have to lick them means you truly received wounds on your journey to pregnancy. Clearly your SIL can't understand that. She lives in the naieve little world of 'getting pregnant is easy and joyful'. Feel your emotions and ignore the've earned it.