The Bright Side

I just found this draft from 8/25/11.  I thought I would go ahead and post it.  I miss this blog sometimes.  If anyone is still checking in from time-to-time, drop me a note. Perhaps I can be persuaded to pop in now and again. 

Well here I sit on the other side. A woman with no frozen embryos in a cryopreservation tank in an IVF clinic 65 miles away. It's strange. I'd become so accustomed to that draw of my babies. I went about my life as best I could. I went on to have another fresh cycle that resulted in one beautiful and amazing baby. However, through it all was a part of my brain that was always homing in on those babies. I wish I could make you understand how I literally felt that a section of my brain was like a compass. It was always pointing in the direction of my babes. It struggled to reach, reach, reach out to them.

They are no more. I was so painfully sad for a time. Alas, I have come to the other side of my grief as well. I am rejoicing in my one perfect child. I am more amazed than ever that she is here. The miracle that she is absolutely takes my breath away. We have lost so many tiny embryos. In addition to the TWENTY-FIVE other than peanut that were put in my womb via ART, there have been many others that tried and failed before six weeks. It's been a long, painful, sad journey. It is over.

Here I sit on the other side of my ART journey. I was lucky. My story had many heart-rending moments, but it ended well. I have my Peanut.

I no longer feel the pull of my frozen embryos. There is a relief in that. I am beginning to realize just what a state of limbo I was in as long as they existed. Now that I have given them the chance that I promised them, I have been released. I am much more productive. One of my weaknesses is that as I wait for things to happen I become paralyzed. I did that to a degree while I waited to see if we would have more children. Now that the option for more children has been taken away, I find myself moving on and getting things done in a way that I haven't done in years. It's true that infertility puts your life on hold. For someone like me, it even continues once success has come along. I had to move through the entire process and complete my journey in order to move forward.

I am done. I am at peace. I am moving on. I am going to get busy!

Chemical

My beta was 10. I've begun bleeding. This totally sucks. I thought I was ready to move forward no matter what, but now I just keep thinking how much I'd really like to have another baby and a sibling for Peanut. I don't know where we go from here. I thought I wouldn't even go to my post-cycle consult, but now I think I will. Perhaps it will help me gain perspective.

DE is absolutely not an option for us. Just putting that out there so that I don't get that recommendation.

Last Chance FET

Well, the third time really is the charm. A positive with my 3rd HPT on our 3rd FET. And, FWIW, Peanut was our 3rd fresh cycle (and the only one that made it to xfer)! Hmmm, wonder if we're about to get our second and THIRD children...

I had a negative FR digital the evening of 9dpt, a negative FRER this morning, 10dpt, and now tonight we have a winner. I held my pee for four hours and opened a new box of FRER. I knew the first two had to be wrong. My pee has been smelling funky for days and days and the veins in my boobies are more pronounced. I've also been having a pain in my belly that I've only ever had when I was pg with Peanut.

Hallelujah!! Sorry I haven't been updating as we've gone along.

On July 28 we transferred 4 day three embryos. They were 8 cell, 7 cell, 6 cell, and 5 cell. There were 2 that did not survive the thaw. I'll try to post pics of the embies soon.

Beta is 8/9/2011. I'll be certain to update.

Spring Thaw

I've made an appointment with Dr. Successful IVF in NYC to consult on my upcoming FET. My plan is to consult with him to be certain that I get the best care at my local clinic. We wanted to do the cycle in NYC, but NY state doesn't allow the transfer of embryos into the state.

Off we go! My appointment is in early May. Suppose I should get busy talking to the local guys, too.

Other things on my to do list:

• I'm pleased with my weight -- 7 lbs under pre-pregnancy. I'd like to lose another 10 lbs before I do the cycle in June. That will get me back down to where I was on my wedding day.
• Must exercise! About all I've been doing lately is walking. I was doing so good about taking workout classes for a while there. Then we all got sick.
• Continue to strengthen core and pelvic floor. My poor body. I've had so much hip pain since giving birth. And urinary incontinence.

Ummm, I think that's it. It would be nice to get caught up at work and get the house organized, but I've just about given up on that!

Aaaaand then she wasn't pregnant

Oh girls, I know! What a shocker! No surprise ending though. I went back to my RE on the 19th and the hCG had dropped to 15. I didn't really get upset over this miscarriage and I never did cry. What did upset me was the resurgence of all of those feelings from 4 to 5 years ago. It was that first year and a half of trying all over again. All those times that I thought that I was pregnant and later tried to convince myself that I wasn't. Now I know. I definitely had 3 five week miscarriages during that time. I may have had as many as 7. I spent a couple of days beating myself up over the memory of my first meeting with my IVF nurse back in '07. When she asked me how many pregnancies I'd had, I said zero. I was so unsure of myself back then and none of them had been confirmed by a dr. I would take the tests early and get a faint positive; then 2 to 4 days later I would start bleeding and convince myself that I'd just wanted to see the second line so much that I'd imagined it. Argh! If I had told her, we probably could have avoided IVF altogether and just done medicated natural cycles. Maybe not. Who knows?

What I do know is that my journey was perfect as it was because it resulted in bringing me my perfect little Peanut. So there's no use in second guessing.

The bright side is that it let me know how much I want another pregnancy and another baby. I really was dreading cycling again. As you know, we have 6 frozen embryos and plan for another FET. We were actually trying to get ourselves prepared for it when this happened. I wasn't sure at all if I could handle a second baby. Now I know that I'll do what it takes. We're planning the FET for June. I'm going to call C*rnell to consult with my dr there prior to my consult with my local RE. We wanted to transfer the embryos, but we've learned that NY State doesn't allow that.

So there's a quick update. Things are good. I am happy.

Still pregnant?

I saw my RE on Monday. hCG = 41, Progesterone = 3. She put me on Pr*metrium just in case we can pull this out. I go back tomorrow for more bloodwork.

I've got to tell somebody

I am roughly 5 days late so I peed on a stick tonight. The window says: "YES"

Oh my!